Please Follow Us
-
-
Recent Posts
Recent Comments
- Paula on DIY Light Fixtures From Repurposed Pickle Jars
- Mishelle on DIY Light Fixtures From Repurposed Pickle Jars
- eyelashes conditioner on Coke for Polar Bears
- Lily Walters on A Summary Of The World
- Lily Walters on David Mach’s Giant Gorilla
-
Pages
Tags
air pollution angel mothers art bamboo books bracelet Christmas contest cork design DIY eco-chic eco-friendly eco-friendly bracelet eco-friendly design eco-friendly jewelry eco-friendly products eco-friendly toys eco friendly furniture etsy etsy jewelry exercise fair trade fashion flu fuel consumption gardening giveaway infant loss insurance jewelry Kids life after miscarriage miscarriage natural organic organic kids clothes organic vitamins pollution recycled recycled bags recycled paper Toys weight loss weirdA few of our other sites
Blogroll
-
Archives
- April 2012
- February 2012
- January 2012
- December 2011
- November 2011
- October 2011
- September 2011
- August 2011
- July 2011
- June 2011
- May 2011
- April 2011
- March 2011
- February 2011
- January 2011
- June 2010
- May 2010
- April 2010
- March 2010
- February 2010
- January 2010
- December 2009
- November 2009
- October 2009
- September 2009
- August 2009
- July 2009
- June 2009
- May 2009
- April 2009
- March 2009
- February 2009
- January 2009
- December 2008
- November 2008
- October 2008
- September 2008
- August 2008
- July 2008
- March 2008
- February 2008
- January 2008
- December 2007
- November 2007
- October 2007
- September 2007
- August 2007
- July 2007
- May 2007
- April 2007
Meta
Great Deals From Amazon
Tag Archives: miscarriage
Pregnancy After Loss
Pregnancies that occur after miscarriages or stillbirths are often referred to as “rainbow” babies. The hope and joy that these subsequent pregnancies is astounding and definitely even more beautiful than a rainbow. I knew that I would be anxious when … Continue reading
Why I Haven’t Been Writing…
Photo Courtesy of Flickr User .Human After All
I haven’t written anything, anywhere for over a month now. I seem to be suffering (hopefully in the past tense!) a bad case of writer’s block. I seem to lack any and all motivation, creativity, focus, serenity, claritity and concentration. I do know the reason why though… My family was overjoyed when I told them of the positive pregnancy test result at the end of November. I quietly told my in-laws during my mother-in-law’s and Aunt’s (they are twins) big birthday bash, ensuring that my youngest (aged 3 1/2) did not overhear our conversation.
Everyone was overjoyed with the news of course. Our fertility background is complicated, to say the least. My husband and I have been married for just over 5 years with me bringing a 10 year old to the marriage. We conceived our first child shortly after the marriage and I gave birth in April of 2006 to a healthy, happy 11 1/2 pound baby girl. She was healthy and happy but I unfortunately, suffered from severe post partum depression for approximately a year and a half. When my depression seemed to be somewhat behind me, we conceived again. My depression seemed to hit me from the first moment of the pregnancy.
When I was nearing the halfway point of the pregnancy, we went on a baby-moon (a holiday before the birth of a new baby). I started to feel much better while we were away and looked forward to the ultrasound I would have on the day after our holiday ended. We had hoped to find out whether it was a boy or a girl but instead found that our precious babe had no heartbeat at all. I unfortunately discovered that postpartum depression can be just as profound, perhaps even worse after the loss of a baby. I felt like there was no real reason to hold it together after our tiny son’s death.
My depression turned to thoughts of suicide that resulted in my hospitalization for a couple of weeks on the psych ward. It was beyond awful to be separated from both my dead son and my two living children during these weeks. My medications were adjusted and I was in a somewhat safe environment though. Some of the other patients did really make me wonder about my security though. In time, I was released and began writing on the internet as a way of regaining my sanity and providing my days with some purpose. After a year, I returned to work outside of the home on a part time basis. This was the hardest thing I had ever gone through in my life. Losing a child is indescribably painful to put it in the mildest terms.
When the child who has died is unborn, the world around you doesn’t understand your loss at all. My son Kye had no funeral, no memorial, no birth certificate, no death certificate, no picture taken, no kisses given and was never held or seen by us. To many of our family members, he never existed at all. However, after waiting for 20 weeks for him, building up expectations, hopes and dreams for him, he was very painfully real to my husband and I. The things that people say to parents of lost babies are terrible. These things happen for a reason. What reason is there for dead babies?? Would you say the same thing if my mother died? It was God’s will. I don’t believe in God. If he exists, he has a lot to answer for. You can have another. Oh, so if one of your children died would it be okay for me to say the same thing? It wasn’t a real baby. Was it fake?? I could go on. The only thing that you can really say to someone in this situation is how sorry you are and be there to listen.
Anyways, after our son’s death, I contemplated never trying to conceive again for obvious reasons. However, with a huge age range between our two living kids (aged 15 and 3), I felt like they’d both be only children if we never tried again. This brings us back to the end of November with my positive test results and a happy family. Within a week of finding out, I began to bleed. I feared the worst but was bolstered by my husband’s optimism that sometimes this happens during normal, healthy pregnancies. The doctor tried to be optimistic as well when we got to see him. I was sent for several tests but knew long before they did that I was no longer pregnant.
A loss of a pregnancy at 6 weeks is still a loss of a baby. I was surprised and devastated at how low I have sunk during the 4 weeks since my second loss. Unfortunately, miscarrying on December 2 more than ruined the holidays for my husband and I. We tried to suck it up and plaster smiles on for our two children here with us but it was difficult and completely impossible at times. To make matters worse, I have a friend who surprised me by telling me she was pregnant with the same due date that I had. Now, she remains pregnant and I remain here with empty arms and an empty belly. I’ve begun to distance myself from her as it has become increasingly difficult to see her and hear what her life is bringing her at the moment. I am overjoyed for her but full of grief at the same time. Now, I have not only lost two babes but also a dear friend that stood voraciously by my side after my first loss.
I will try to begin writing again readers but please know that I’m still here, still trying to keep it together, live an environmentally responsible life with my family and still hope to hear from all of my readers about their experiences living green and raising families. Happy New Year everyone! Here’s hoping for a better year in 2010.
Postpartum Depression After Miscarriage
I’ve been following this popular blog about postpartum depression for the last several months or so. It’s called Postpartum Progress and has a ton of information on it keeping readers up to date on current research, media portrayls of postpartum, PPD from a political perspective, and basically everything and anything related to postpartum depression. What I really love about this blog is that it’s upbeat. It shows moms that there really can be a life after going through the trauma, fear and societal pressures surrounding postpartum depression. My favorite part is the “Surviving and Thriving After Postpartum Depression” that is like a photo album of moms and their kids who are doing great after suffering postpartum depression.
I’ve had PPD myself two times now with the last time being the most severe. The worst part was that I did not even get to have a live baby and still suffered from postpartum depression. During my first bout of postpartum after my daughter was born 3 years ago, I was at home on maternity leave with her. Here in Canada, we get a year maternity leave before returning to work after having a baby. Last year, I was halfway through the pregnancy when a doctor at an ultrasound clinic told me that my baby had died. Devastated is a serious understatement for what my husband and my family felt. I was about a thousand times past the feeling of devastation. I felt the familiar depression wash over me like an unending series of waves in the ocean.
My first time having postpartum was awful but my second time ended up with me being committed to the hospital for a couple of weeks. I felt horribly guilty thinking that my depression had killed our son. I had no baby in my arms and still suffered this terrible unending depression mixed with grief at the loss of our child. There was no baby to try to hold it all together for and no maternity leave to rely on to keep the financial pressures at bay. I don’t know what I would have done if my employer did not have long-term disability insurance to pay at least a portion of my wages until I could return to work. What I thought would take a few weeks to recover from ended up being a year unable to work at all.
Most of these days passed with me in tears, unable for me to care for anyone. Unable to even care for myself. This was the darkest most frightening time of my entire life. I cannot begin to explain what it is to have your mind shatter inside of you and still live. It’s been about a year and a half now since my son’s death and I’m up to 4 days a week at work. I’ve long come off of disability insurance but am more than happy to keep paying into it. I am so grateful for the small amount of peace that it was able to bring to us.
I felt, and still feel like, even miscarriage support groups do not understand me. I am not only suffering the loss of a child but also postpartum depression as well. I am doing much better now and hope to one day be like the pictures of the Surviving and Thriving Mothers on the Postpartum Progress blog. The difference will be that my arms will be empty. Empty arms do not fill an empty heart. Maybe my picture will be beside the lost babies memorial picture here that my son is a part of. Postpartum depression without a baby is the worst kind of depression, in my opinion.
Posted in 1
Tagged angel mothers, infant loss, life after miscarriage, miscarriage, postpartum depression
25 Comments
Do’s and Don’ts for Angel Mothers on Mother’s Day
This was written by a fellow Angel Mom (Christine Wildman) and posted on a Facebook support group for miscarriage that I am part of — Honoring our 2nd Trimester Losses. This post really helped me to put some of my feelings into actual words. Thanks so much Christine! I’d really recommend reading this list quickly. People so very often feel and act awkward around those of us who have lost children. They are always so afraid of “making us cry”. We cry our tears for our children who never got a chance, not because you tried to connect with us over our loss. Mention their names. Say Happy Mother’s Day to a mother who hasn’t gotten a chance to be with her living child. Volunteer your time to decorate memory boxes or make tiny blankets for your local hospital. Parents who have lost children just want to be understood. Here’s some easy do’s and don’ts thanks to Christine.
“You know an angel mummy, she has lost her child maybe through miscarriage, still birth or after birth, maybe a few years after they’ve been born. You want to help? You think she should pull her socks up maybe? Well please read and see if you still think you are helping:
DON’T:
1) Tell her to ‘get over it’ – These are the cruelest words anyone could ever say, 2 weeks, 2 months 2 years, 2 decades a mother will NEVER get over losing her child! But in time and with lots of support she will learn to live with it better.
2) Say ‘at least you can have more/you already have children’. – This makes absolutely no difference to the child we have lost. You wouldn’t expect not to grieve a sister cos you have 2 or 3 more, or a friend cos you have another. No parent should ever have to lose a child, period!
3) Say ‘your child didn’t look right’, – if you are lucky enough to have seen pictures of an angel it’s because you were considered special enough to do so, an angel mummy doesn’t share lightly. Since beauty shines from within who are you to judge?
4) Wait for an invite – The worst thing ppl can do is stay away. The last thing an angel mother will ever do is ask for help, knock the door and ask if she’d like some company. She will be able to tell you if she wants to be alone, but staying away makes her think you don’t care.
5) Feel awkward when she ‘talks about the dead baby again’. Grief is individual, for me talking about my angel keeps her alive as it does for many angel mummies, but on the other hand still respect a mummy who can’t yet bring herself to talk.
6) Say I knew a woman who went through it, then compare – It doesn’t matter if that woman had 10 more kids and is ok, that doesn’t mean we will be!!!!!!
DO:
1) Say ‘I don’t understand what you are going through, but I am here for you’ and mean it. Just saying it is forming empty words, if you’ve told her she can call you morining noon or night leave your phone on, make time!
2) Tell a mummy you feel sad at her loss, that you were looking forward to knowing her child. That you are so sad this will never happen.
3) Ask if the mummy has anything she’d like to share with you, photo’s, cards, a memory box maybe. It tells the mummy that her child was thought of and loved.
4) Offer to help, whether that be making tea, giving her a facial (maybe even a cuddle) or looking after the other kids so she can have a few minutes to grieve privately or do something to make her feel ok for the briefest of moments.
5) Cry if you need to, a mummy appreciates all who help, but it’s those that cry with her that stay close to her heart.
6) Listen, maybe the most important thing of all. It doesn’t matter if she’s talked it over a thousand times, she will do so a thousand more, listening could just save that angel mummy’s life one day.
7) Make time to visit her child’s resting place, this smallest of gestures means so much, being too busy just doesn’t cut it, surely you can spare 15 minutes out of your day once in a while?
For anyone reading, I don’t mean to sound harsh, but so many good friendships fall apart after loss,that I felt I needed to get this down for all the angel mummies out there!”
–Christine Wildman
Queen’s Park Cemetary — Storybook Gardens
Not everyone may know this but in March of 2008, my unborn son Kye passed away in the 20th week of pregnancy. It’s been a devastating loss to our family that I’ll never totally recover from. Miscarriage and stillbirth are issues that no one wants to talk about or even acknowledge. Every pregnant woman realizes in her mind that it is always a possibility. The reality thought of losing a child can only be felt in the heart. It breaks everyday thinking of the loss.
To get over it, I tried to imagine that all I lost was a pregnancy, not a baby. In time I realized that while other people may think that is true, it just isn’t. From the moment you find out that you’ve conceived, you are a mother. You have hopes and dreams, expectations and desires for the baby that you hold with you inside of you every moment. Being pregnant is an overriding realization. You do all your regular day to day things all the time realizing that you’re pregnant. Every liquid you drink, every food you eat, every person you’re around or chemical you come into contact with is thought over carefully with regards to the baby growing in you.
When the ultrasound technican told us there was no heartbeat, everything came to an end. Nothing will ever be the same again. I’ll never again be pregnant and be certain that I’ll have a baby. I’ll never again buy a friend a baby gift before the child is born. I’ll hold the two children I have left a little tighter, cherish them a little bit more. And I’ll always dream of what could have, should have been for our son Kye.
We never had a funeral for him. Never had a tombstone erected, a gravesite, a memorial service or anything at all. He was cremated and I wear some of his ashes around my neck in a beautiful infinity symbol. The funeral home we dealt with was so lovely to us which really helped mend our broken hearts after dealing with a dreadful medical system.
I was going through one of my friend’s pics on facebook today and came across this shot which includes her son’s grave. He was stillborn 6 years ago yesterday. It was his angel-versary or what others may call the anniversary of his death or his non-birth birthday. This cemetary has a playground in the children’s section. It helps brighten up a desolate place full of dead babies and children. You can just imagine their angel spirits climbing on the colorful ladder and going down the bright red slide. All playing together and happy. Not alone and sad but all together, kids at the park. Friends and babies forever.
I just thought this was a wonderful gesture by the cemetary to add some color and live to what otherwise would be a very depressing area. Many of these passed children have siblings that come to visit. The playground offers them a place to play and be happy instead of being scared and crying during the visit. The parents can spend some time mourning at the grave while life goes on around them. I just thought it was wonderful and definitely worth sharing!
October 9-15 is Infant loss Awareness Week.
October 9-15 is Infant loss Awareness Week.
An estimated 1 in 4 pregnancies results in a miscarriage, 1 in 148 babies are stillborn, and 3 in 1000 die shortly after birth. This translates to affecting an average of 500,000 pregnancies every year. This is a week to reflect on these families and try to promote wareness and look for answers.
On October 15th, at 7pm, light a candle in rememberance of these babies and thier families.