Tag Archives: angel mothers

This was written by a fellow Angel Mom (Christine Wildman) and posted on a Facebook support group for miscarriage that I am part of — Honoring our 2nd Trimester Losses.  This post really helped me to put some of my feelings into actual words.  Thanks so much Christine!  I’d really recommend reading this list quickly.  People so very often feel and act awkward around those of us who have lost children.  They are always so afraid of “making us cry”.  We cry our tears for our children who never got a chance, not because you tried to connect with us over our loss.  Mention their names.  Say Happy Mother’s Day to a mother who hasn’t gotten a chance to be with her living child.  Volunteer your time to decorate memory boxes or make tiny blankets for your local hospital.  Parents who have lost children just want to be understood.  Here’s some easy do’s and don’ts thanks to Christine.

“You know an angel mummy, she has lost her child maybe through miscarriage, still birth or after birth, maybe a few years after they’ve been born. You want to help? You think she should pull her socks up maybe? Well please read and see if you still think you are helping:

DON’T:

1) Tell her to ‘get over it’ – These are the cruelest words anyone could ever say, 2 weeks, 2 months 2 years, 2 decades a mother will NEVER get over losing her child! But in time and with lots of support she will learn to live with it better.

2) Say ‘at least you can have more/you already have children’. – This makes absolutely no difference to the child we have lost. You wouldn’t expect not to grieve a sister cos you have 2 or 3 more, or a friend cos you have another. No parent should ever have to lose a child, period!

3) Say ‘your child didn’t look right’, – if you are lucky enough to have seen pictures of an angel it’s because you were considered special enough to do so, an angel mummy doesn’t share lightly. Since beauty shines from within who are you to judge?

4) Wait for an invite – The worst thing ppl can do is stay away. The last thing an angel mother will ever do is ask for help, knock the door and ask if she’d like some company. She will be able to tell you if she wants to be alone, but staying away makes her think you don’t care.

5) Feel awkward when she ‘talks about the dead baby again’. Grief is individual, for me talking about my angel keeps her alive as it does for many angel mummies, but on the other hand still respect a mummy who can’t yet bring herself to talk.

6) Say I knew a woman who went through it, then compare – It doesn’t matter if that woman had 10 more kids and is ok, that doesn’t mean we will be!!!!!!

DO:

1) Say ‘I don’t understand what you are going through, but I am here for you’ and mean it. Just saying it is forming empty words, if you’ve told her she can call you morining noon or night leave your phone on, make time!

2) Tell a mummy you feel sad at her loss, that you were looking forward to knowing her child. That you are so sad this will never happen.

3) Ask if the mummy has anything she’d like to share with you, photo’s, cards, a memory box maybe. It tells the mummy that her child was thought of and loved.

4) Offer to help, whether that be making tea, giving her a facial (maybe even a cuddle) or looking after the other kids so she can have a few minutes to grieve privately or do something to make her feel ok for the briefest of moments.

5) Cry if you need to, a mummy appreciates all who help, but it’s those that cry with her that stay close to her heart.

6) Listen, maybe the most important thing of all. It doesn’t matter if she’s talked it over a thousand times, she will do so a thousand more, listening could just save that angel mummy’s life one day.

7) Make time to visit her child’s resting place, this smallest of gestures means so much, being too busy just doesn’t cut it, surely you can spare 15 minutes out of your day once in a while?

For anyone reading, I don’t mean to sound harsh, but so many good friendships fall apart after loss,that I felt I needed to get this down for all the angel mummies out there!”

–Christine Wildman

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Not everyone may know this but in March of 2008, my unborn son Kye passed away in the 20th week of pregnancy.  It’s been a devastating loss to our family that I’ll never totally recover from.  Miscarriage and stillbirth are issues that no one wants to talk about or even acknowledge.  Every pregnant woman realizes in her mind that it is always a possibility.  The reality thought of losing a child can only be felt in the heart.  It breaks everyday thinking of the loss.

To get over it, I tried to imagine that all I lost was a pregnancy, not a baby.  In time I realized that while other people may think that is true, it just isn’t.  From the moment you find out that you’ve conceived, you are a mother.  You have hopes and dreams, expectations and desires for the baby that you hold with you inside of you every moment.  Being pregnant is an overriding realization.  You do all your regular day to day things all the time realizing that you’re pregnant.  Every liquid you drink, every food you eat, every person you’re around or chemical you come into contact with is thought over carefully with regards to the baby growing in you.

When the ultrasound technican told us there was no heartbeat, everything came to an end.  Nothing will ever be the same again.  I’ll never again be pregnant and be certain that I’ll have a baby.  I’ll never again buy a friend a baby gift before the child is born.  I’ll hold the two children I have left a little tighter, cherish them a little bit more.  And I’ll always dream of what could have, should have been for our son Kye.

We never had a funeral for him.  Never had a tombstone erected, a gravesite, a memorial service or anything at all.  He was cremated and I wear some of his ashes around my neck in a beautiful infinity symbol.  The funeral home we dealt with was so lovely to us which really helped mend our broken hearts after dealing with a dreadful medical system.

I was going through one of my friend’s pics on facebook today and came across this shot which includes her son’s grave.  He was stillborn 6 years ago yesterday.  It was his angel-versary or what others may call the anniversary of his death or his non-birth birthday.  This cemetary has a playground in the children’s section.  It helps brighten up a desolate place full of dead babies and children.  You can just imagine their angel spirits climbing on the colorful ladder and going down the bright red slide.  All playing together and happy.  Not alone and sad but all together, kids at the park.  Friends and babies forever.

I just thought this was a wonderful gesture by the cemetary to add some color and live to what otherwise would be a very depressing area.  Many of these passed children have siblings that come to visit.  The playground offers them a place to play and be happy instead of being scared and crying during the visit.  The parents can spend some time mourning at the grave while life goes on around them.  I just thought it was wonderful and definitely worth sharing!

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October 9-15 is Infant loss Awareness Week.
An estimated 1 in 4 pregnancies results in a miscarriage, 1 in 148 babies are stillborn, and 3 in 1000 die shortly after birth.  This translates to affecting an average of 500,000 pregnancies every year.  This is a week to reflect on these families and try to promote wareness and look for answers.
On October 15th, at 7pm, light a candle in rememberance of these babies and thier families.

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